chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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