Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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