Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
