if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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