Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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