Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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