White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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