Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
