So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize