Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
