I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
