Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
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He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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