Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
