weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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