I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
