i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
