Me. At least after what I've been through.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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i think i scared a bird with my dick
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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