Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
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Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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