I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
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this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
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He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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