the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
