my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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