Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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