Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
