I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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