You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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