i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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