I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
