you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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