I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Your penis caused this!
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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