sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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