I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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