Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
