I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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