why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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