I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
we should paint friendship bongs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
