I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
