I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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