I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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