you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
