I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
