I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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