haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
