Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID