I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.