Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
