I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
