No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
