She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
