My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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