The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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