I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
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U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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