evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
FUCK WHALES
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
