well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
