I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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