I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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