I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
