I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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