I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
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Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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