Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
