Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
