I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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