I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
