I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
